What inspired you to write Queer Questions Straight Talk?

QQST was one of those things that seemed so obvious we wondered why no one had done it before.  I’d recently edited a questions book for caregivers and their loved ones that was about encouraging conversation and joy in the midst of what can sometimes be a stressful and distinctly un-joyful time.  We loved the whole open-ended idea of letting the reader fill in the blanks in a personal way.  So, my publisher, my mother (also my editor), my partner and I were sitting around one day over cheesecake, brainstorming about other subjects that might benefit from a questions-oriented book.  I think it was my partner who said, “What about gay people?” I almost said, “Well, duh.” I’ve heard so many questions over the years from nervous straight people who were never quite sure if it was OK to ask me about being a lesbian. Then we sat around for about a minute more wondering who might write such a book.  Pretty quickly we had another “Well, duh” moment.  I’m a writer and a card-carrying lesbian, and it seemed like an opportunity to do something wonderful just flew in the window and landed in my lap.

How do you deal with offensive comments about your sexuality?

I’ve heard some pretty shocking comments from people who really don’t mean to offend. If I reacted angrily every time that happened, I’d be taking Valium by the truckload. So before I spout off, I try to determine what someone’s intent is. You kind of have to stop, breathe, and get in touch with some compassion and humor.  If I think someone is coming from a genuine place, I will try to do a little gentle educating if I can. Everyone needs time to learn something new – rarely do we come into the world knowing everything! But sure, it gets tiring. It’s tempting to be snarky if you’ve heard some ridiculous joke a thousand times before. And then sometimes an offensive comment comes at you on a wave of hostility. If I’m at all unsure about whether someone really means me harm, I’ll get out of that environment as fast as I can. Those folks rarely get my sense of humor anyway.

What is the most meaningful question in the book to you and why?

“Is there something special that comes with being LesBiGay?” (That’s the shorthand term I use in the book.)  This is the question that I always hope someone will ask, because amidst the struggles of coming out, dealing with prejudice or ignorance, negative stereotypes, etc., being gay, lesbian or bi can be beautiful. This question reminds me that it’s not all doom and gloom by a long shot. I especially want people who feel isolated or alienated right now to know that there’s a lot to look forward to.  For me, for example, I love being able to view the world from a slightly different angle than everyone else, to know that there might be another, less obvious story behind the things I see.  This seems to come with the LesBiGay membership kit and it makes life pretty interesting. I think this is true for lots of socially marginalized groups. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

What is the number one thing straight people do that offends their lesbian, gay and bisexual friends and family members?

Obviously, outright rejection happens a lot and it can destroy souls, or even lives. But short of that, in my experience, the hardest thing is having your sexual orientation diminished or denied. This can be overt, such as a family member simply rejecting what you know to be true — that you are lesbian, gay or bi — or more subtle, like mom and dad telling everyone they know about your sister’s new boyfriend, but acting like you and your partner of 10 years are just roommates.  It’s a tough one because it’s human nature to downplay stuff that makes us uncomfortable.  I’m of the school that says as long as you’re trying a little bit every day to push through your own discomfort about your gay loved one, I’ll give you a big kiss for effort.  I believe in supporting the process as much as the outcome, which is what this book is about as well.

What do you hope Queer Questions Straight Talk does for people who are lesbian, gay and bisexual?

I hope that QQST just gets it all out on the table in a loving, respectful way.  It’s as much for straight people as it is for gay, lesbian and bi people.  So many of us know that our straight loved ones have a zillion questions but they are often too intimidated to come right out and ask, and – believe it or not – we’d really like our loved ones to ask about our lives rather than act like there’s nothing to talk about. As I say in the intro, QQST is an invitation to straight people and “LesBiGays” to have that conversation and get a little bit closer to each other.  The affirmative act of saying, “I want to know more about your life” – for everyone, regardless of sexual orientation — is a declaration of real affection.

Now, this is a book of questions, not answers – though I offer some sample answers as examples of how many perspectives there can be. Sure, there are lots of “official” answers to these questions, and there are other books that deal with that. But I’m more interested in the power of communication to challenge preconceived ideas and attitudes (you can know all the correct answers, but still not “get it”). It’s more important to try to understand, using your own vocabulary and history and cultural framework.  I hope that QQST can help make that happen by offering those questions together in a nice little package, with a little sage guidance for everyone. If you see a question already on the page, then you know you’re not a total freak for wanting to ask. And if you both agree that you can talk about the stuff in the book, then QQST becomes a tool for creating a safe and loving place to talk.

What is your life like outside the literary world? Hobbies and other passions?

I have the curiosity and attention span of my cats, which makes us a good fit.  In no particular order, I am a fanatic reader of non-fiction and love gathering info about, well, anything — the more obscure and oddball the better. My partner Traci and I  travel just about anywhere the opportunity arises and I don’t do anything without first checking if I can get frequent flier points for it.  But my biggest passion is music. I became a rabid Beatles fan from the moment I saved enough allowance money to bike to the record store and buy the 1967-1970 collection (the “blue album” for those in the know…).  If it’s American or British and was recorded between 1950 and 1980, I want it on my Ipod. I also sing, play guitar and occasionally write songs – and I haven’t let go of my plans to be a rock star just yet…

Are you working on any other books?

The two next ideas in the hopper are a user-friendly book on free speech (did I mention that I’m an old civil rights attorney?)…and a book on the Beatles.  I’m not sure which will come out first.  Stay tuned!